Yet more Stoned Thoughts and Random Rambles…


Pull three papers from the wrap… Beside the obvious judgmental bullshit, it never ceases to amaze me; the lengths people go to in the name of vanity… Line papers up… Lick, stick… It generally begins at a young age as children embrace their life long fascination with mirrors and their ability to change what they see within them… Add bacci… Spread bacci… Then young girls shift from their paint boxes to make up kits as they try to perfect the art of subtly colourising their faces… Strike lighter… Hold blim aloft… And after many clown parodies and Picasso homages, by adulthood, they are finally ready to slap on the war paint and fight on the battle field of love… Burn… Sprinkle liberally… Roll… Some will even go as far as to get up four hours earlier than their partners to prepare,Lick… Stick… because Heaven forbid that they be seen without their mask on and be viewed as they truly are… Add roach… Put to lips… Light… The same can be said of hair, which also seems to play a huge part in the vanity game… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Some just can’t leave the house unless their hair looks perfectly sculpted and unnatural, all the while checking their appearance in any reflective surface they pass throughout the day… Oh God YES, that hit the spot…Devastated if even one hair is facing the wrong way or out of place… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Others try the wacky hair approach in style and bizarre colours in an effort to distract the focus from their ugly faces in bouts of low self-esteem… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And I’ve never gotten my head around people’s age long obsession with jewellery either… Tap ash into the ashtray… To my mind, no amount of decorative metals is going to make you any more attractive…Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… I just don’t get it, is it a distraction to draw attention away from the face? Is it a symbol of financial status? When we see pierced nipples, are we to think ‘There be gold in them tha hills’ before we load up our asses in pursuit of it?Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And like most vanity based endeavours, it’s generally painful and often uncomfortable… With piercings popping up in the most inexplicable places that you’ve got to wonder at where you draw the line of un-chartered territories… Tap ash into the ashtray… Ears? Okay, I can get onboard with that to a degree, it’s been going on for centuries, so who am I to argue? But multiple ear piercings? Just seems a tad excessive to me and not in the slightest bit flattering… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Nose piercings, I personally feel have all the charm of a large pimple or boil on the outer nostril… Tongues? What the fuck is that about? People say it’s sexual, it enhances pleasure… Oh yeah, nothing gets me going and revs my engine like having a large steel bolt forced through my tongue… Mmmm, loving the extreme pain, the temporary speech impediment and all my food tasting like blood… Can’t get enough of that…Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Belly buttons? Yeah, it offers an extra bit of sparkle if you’re a belly dancer, but otherwise not really seeing much point… And the amount of people I’ve met who’ve ended up with massive infections from having it done, desperately praying through the tears that it doesn’t go septic, just leaves me pondering why they would put themselves through so much pain, discomfort and worry just to make their belly buttons sparkle… Tap ash into the ashtray… I’m afraid it’s beyond my comprehension… Then there’s the genitals… WTF??? NOOOOOOOOOoooOOO!!! Fuck me, it makes my eyes water just thinking about it… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… It’s an extremely sensitive area to begin with, without gauging sharp, pointy bits of metal into it… Padlocks through foreskins and bell-ends??? Rings through labias??? Studs through scrotums and clitoris’??? Are you people fucking mad? Do you really need to sparkle that badly down there too??? Can’t you just get glitter and sprinkle liberally? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… What is wrong with you? Why don’t you just slap jam on your cock and wedge it in a beehive while you’re at it? I caught my foreskin in my zipper once and nearly cried for an hour… I got kicked in the bollocks and I had to sit and catch my breath… Even just a small tap to the nads is enough to put me out of action for a while… Tap ash into the ashtray…None of these things are in the slightest bit pleasant, so why the fuck would you willingly invoke worse??? Why would you do that to yourself? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Which brings us to waxing, who in their right mind would willingly go tearing huge clumps of hair out by the root for a few days of smooth skin? And again with the genitals??? OUCH!!! Is it really worth it? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And then of course for the seasoned masochist, there’s exfoliating, tediously pulling out each hair individually in the hope of a perfectly symmetrical eyebrow line, which way too often leaves you looking constantly surprised in the rainbow arches formed… Tap ash into the ashtray… But like most things, some take it too far and rip out the lot, later having to pencil in eyebrows and desperately hoping that no one notices that they’re drawn on or that they accidentally smudge… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And what is it with thongs? I just can’t see the attraction… Personally, I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable or unattractive than flossing your arse every time you bend over… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And they really can’t be hygienic, collecting sweat and methane as it sends farts off on twin jets either side of it… And can you imagine reaching the bottom of your underwear drawer to find the thong is all that’s left clean on the day you have the worst piles flare up in recorded history? Tap ash into the ashtray… Eek! You might as well spread your arse cheeks either side of a cheese grater and repeatedly slide up and down its length before liberally spreading Deep Heat or Bengay over the infected area… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Be a real toe curler, wouldn’t it? Howling! Fuck me, that would be an extreme understatement… And then there’s cosmetic surgery… Nose job, cheek bones and jaw, pretty much amounts to break em, chip em and reset em… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Kinda leaves them looking bruised and battered like they’ve gone ten rounds with a particularly vicious world boxing champion… Tap ash into the ashtray… Tummy tucks amount to jab into the flesh with a vacuum hose, pump and suck out the fat until you can see your genitals without having to look in a mirror… Again with the severe bruising… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Boob jobs, cut under the breast line, insert silicon pouches and pray to God that they don’t burst and poison your blood… Designer vaginas??? What the Hell??? It’s not like you women have to look at it anyway… Ladies trust me, unless your flaps are bouncing off your knees, men are still going to want to shag you… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… I mean, how do you even describe what you want to the surgeon? ‘Nothing too drastic, just a little off the sides please, oh and I’ll have one of those pine scented air fresheners for that new vaj smell’ Tap ash into the ashtray… And don’t even get me started on these so called, self appointed fashion Gurus… Some superficial bitch tearing into someone for how they look and people flock like sheep and hang onto their every word… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Un-fucking-believable, I might be wrong (I really don’t know anymore) but if you verbally abuse someone and reduce them to tears over their appearance, isn’t that tantamount to bullying? And shocking that it’s considered entertainment, ‘She’s black, lesbian and disabled, why don’t you victimise her about that too, you stuck up, shallow, venomous bitch?’ Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly…  I mean what is the PC message here? It’s okay to be intolerant of people based on their appearance and the clothes they wear, providing they don’t belong to a minority group? It makes me sick, it really does… Tap ash into the ashtray… And what would happen to these shallow bastards if the world hit a huge natural disaster? What use would they be in the salvation of humanity? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly…Would their contribution be to tell you that the rags you’re wearing are not colour coordinated? To tell you that the ash and blood in your hair are not a good look for you? They would be useless, they would serve no purpose beyond food stock if things really got that bad… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Is superficial appearance really so important? Are surface looks really that imperative that we should embrace every fashion fad? Have we really become that shallow as a race that we dismiss substance and depth in favour of pursuing external beauty? A sad day indeed if this truly is the case… So sorry, I went into rant mode there… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Stub out in ashtray… I thought weed was supposed to chill me out, either I’ve built up a tolerance or I’ve been ripped off… Just my frigging luck, either way…

Even more Stoned Thoughts and Random Rambles…


Sometimes I dream of pressing a gun up under my chin, slowly squeezing the trigger and blowing the top of my head off in an explosion of blood, brains and skull fragment confetti, bursting out magnificently like fireworks and streamers… Pull three papers from wrap… I’m sure it would be very beautiful in its own way, a little macabre maybe but beautiful nonetheless… Add bacci… Spread bacci… And it’s not because I want to die or that I am in any way suicidal, I’m just curious of what my last living thought will potentially be… Strike lighter… Hold blim aloft… I’d like to think it’ll be something incredibly profound, something so deep as to touch me to tears, Burn… Sprinkle liberally… Roll… that maybe in that last second of life, all the secrets of the universe will be revealed to me as a whole, Lick… Stick… instead of glimpses beyond the veil in schizophrenic chimeras that promise so much more than they deliver… Add roach… Put to lips… Light… Besides, in reality it would probably be something simple like ‘You fucking idiot, what a waste of a perfectly good afternoon’, Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… so I guess the price is a little too steep for something that will come naturally in time anyway… Oh God YES, that hit the spot… I mean you have to wonder at the brain’s unyielding capacity for embracing illusions of self perception… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And deep down, we know our illusions aren’t real… So we try to convince everyone around us, but even that is but another illusion in itself because all we are really trying to do is convince ourselves as we lay the groundwork Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… and build our illusion’s status to a whopping great delusion that keeps us sated as its bubble shields us from truths we would prefer not to face… Tap ash into the ashtray… But the problem with bubbles is they pop so easily and the fallout becomes toxic to our minds when the collateral damage is our sanity… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Think about it, is that guy you see in the mirror each morning the same guy everyone else sees when you leave the house? Are you really flexing your pecs as you see him do or are you simply wiggling your moobs? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… There’s no shame in it, denial is a powerful illusion, after all there are millions of comb over guys across the globe convinced you think they have hair… Tap ash into the ashtray… It’s like writing, sometimes you are too close to the source to know if its any good until you get feedback… So when you do next look deeply into that mirror, you have to remember that you are probably the least qualified person to judge what you see there… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… You’re too biased, so how can you possibly be neutral when you already have such strong preconceived judgements and opinions about the guy staring back at you? I mean, I know they say ‘to thine own self be true’ but I’m pretty sure that’s impossible… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… We all have our secrets and we all have our demons that consume us from within, so all we can really do is try to move on and face them or we’ll be forever running… Tap ash into the ashtray… For if we dwell in the past, it will devour us, we’ll be forever stuck there without a thought for the future, until eventually one day we find we are bitter, cynical old men wondering where our lives went… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Just let it go… Unpack the baggage and fold it away tidily… Ding-Ding… The train has left Bitterville, next stop, Fresh Start City… LMAO!!! I know, I make it sound easy, but don’t be fooled, its not… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… I’m a right one to talk, having sold my house on the corner of Denial Street in the quaint town of Delusionia, I moved to large apartment on Humility Avenue in Bitterville central… Sadly I’m having a little problem with shifting the property, so I’m stuck here until I can let it go and move on… Tap ash into the ashtray… Sweet, a metaphor wrapped in an analogy… Arr, smug mode… Bugger, I find myself stood atop Pride Hill as my body trembles in danger of being crushed under the weight of my swelling head… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… If you could kindly do me a favour and kick my legs out from under me, it would be much appreciated because pride always shines in prelude to a fall… I guess what I’m saying is just try to keep your illusions in check, enjoy them but don’t let them own you… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Keep a good grasp between fantasy and reality and remember that sometimes a smile is just a smile and that cute woman who beamed it did not mean ‘Come take me Big Boy’, she was simply greeting you good morning… Tap ash into the ashtray… Sure, enjoy the fantasy, take ten minutes out to yourself to whip out your penis and beat it to death as you conduct a solo symphony, after all, its the little things that make life worthwhile… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But the minute your toes curl and your knees buckle in that Halllelujah moment, zip up, shut up and get on with your day as you store that particular fantasy in the potential mastibatory material file in the storage space in your head… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Just because she smiled at you, does not necessarily mean that you are going to be putting to her any time soon… After all, that’s how lawsuits generally begin… Tap ash into the ashtray… Take me for example, people tell me I’m amazing, I’m a creative genius, I am a master of scribed darkness and I know that I should just accept the compliment humbly… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But the reality is that I completely embraced it and my illusions have escalated to delusions of grandeur of such epic proportion… Oh yeah, believe me, in my head I picture myself on a huge throne overseeing my minions as they fight in arenas for my affections from their drab, grey little lives… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… A God who walks among his people… And I know I should keep it in check before it either gets out of hand or the bubble bursts but its such a wonderful place to be… And in hindsight, when I visited that sea food restaurant the other week, that waiter wasn’t offering me sea kelp, he was telling me to ‘Seek help’… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Stub out in ashtray… Cheeky bastard, I should go back and smite him…

More Stoned Thoughts and Random Rambles…


Pull three papers from wrap… It starts with a tooth brush left in the bathroom for sleepovers, innocent enough it might seem, but don’t be fooled, Line papers up… Lick… Stick… then it escalates to one of your bedroom drawers gradually filling with her stuff which in time spills over into the bedroom as cushions and drapes begin to appear. Add bacci… Spread bacci… Next your bathroom will be full of beauty products, leg razors, bath salts, potions and spells, Strike lighter… Hold blim aloft… then finally you’ll find the lock removed from the toilet door. Burn… Sprinkle liberally… Roll… A heinous crime, the last sanctuary of man, Lick… Stick… I mean back in the day, we had studies and libraries where we’d retreat to do our most profound thinking in a woman free environment. Add roach… Put to lips… Light… Alas, those days are far behind us, so we adapt and the toilet becomes the place we retreat to crap, wank, think and read. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… So what gives them the right to remove our locks and stroll in, demanding a courtesy flush, Oh God YES, that hit the spot…choking us as they brandish air-freshener, yapping at us with no regard for the sacred unwritten law as they breach our sanctuaries during what should be our private time? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… If unchecked, you’ll one day come home to find all of your possessions boxed and stored to make way for the rest of her stuff, with the final touch of the dreaded bowl of potpourri. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly…Yes my friend, you are in the middle of passive, aggressive hostile takeover in a struggle for power that you have no chance of winning. Tap ash into the ashtray… You’ve got to nip it in the bud early, always make sure that that toothbrush is swiftly returned to her overnight bag after use along with all the other crap she tries to leave behind. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Oh believe me, she will try to fight you on this, but you’ve got to be strong, a man’s home is his castle. Pull up that drawbridge and arm the battlements as soon as she’s crossed the moat. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But it won’t stop there, you may have won the battle but this age old war will continue to rage. You’ll get a few warning shots across your bough in the form of unnecessary drama and mind games, but as my grandfather used to say ‘If you gently rest your testicles in a sleeping lion’s mouth and wedge your thumb up his arse, expect pain’. Tap ash into the ashtray… In other words don’t leave yourself vulnerable if you’re going on the offensive. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Make no mistake, they are a cunning foe, even the strongest of us can be bested by a seductive smile or the promise of a shag, but it’s a rookie mistake to think that the game isn’t afoot.Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… I’ve seen so many of my brothers in arms make complete twats of themselves in this battlefield we call love, Tap ash into the ashtray… obliviously giving in to a great cleavage as he flirts and squirms like he’s fucking the hole in his trouser pocket. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And so we don our black armbands for our fallen comrade as his Facebook status changes to ‘In a Relationship’Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But oh so soon like a tortured ghost in the night come anguished phone calls and texts in the twilight hours ‘Why is she doing this?’ and ‘What fresh female insanity is this?’ Tap ash into the ashtray… And so we weep, for we know he is lost to us and we pray that he will find peace. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… We find ourselves agonised in the knowledge that if he’d just wanked his brains out before engaging her in conversation, this turmoil could have been avoided. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But then comes that fateful day as you sign into Facebook to see the status changed to ‘Married’ and you know he is dead to you in his servitude to her. Tap ash into the ashtray… Because the next time you see him, he seems confused, subdued and can’t make a decision for himself. And you see the mortal dread in his eyes as you ask him if he’d like to meet up and he chokes before rushing off to call her to find out if it’s okay. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And you know deep inside that the battle is lost and your friend is beyond help. He’s like the guy in the red top in Star Trek, as soon as he beams down, he’s fucked. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… At least back in the old days they had the decency to hide the crazy and introduce it slowly so as not to scare you away, but alas, times have changed, these days they just expect you to accept it and strap in for the ride, and what a rollercoaster ride it is. Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Stub out in ashtray…For are we not all veterans and contestants in this game called love?

Stoned Thoughts, Sexy Secrets and Random Rambles…


Pull three papers from wrap… It always amazes me, the crazy thoughts and tangents my mind visits when I have a smoke…Line papers up… Lick… Stick… Like if L’Oréal is making eyelashes look three times longer, why are they not making condoms? Add bacci… Spread bacci… And where do you draw the line between art and pornography? Strike lighter… Hold blim aloft…  I guess if you rub your chin thoughtfully and get a twitch in the trouser region, it constitutes art… Burn… Sprinkle liberally… Roll… but if you actually get your penis out and beat it to death, it must be porn… Add roach… Put to lips… Light… And in this age of apparent equality, it’s okay for a woman to brutally and quite rudely refuse a man’s sexual advances… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… But when a woman is rejected, it’s a capital offence… When once being hit upon I politely said “You’re clocking up some serious mileage on your vajometer and I’ve got more self respect than to sleep with you”, and I’m the bad guy??? Oh God YES, that hit the spot…And what’s the deal with dirty talk? “Call me naughty” “Tell me I’m a dirty girl” yet when you improvise and tell her “You’re a stinking, filthy, disease ridden whore”, she cries long and loud… I just don’t get it… It must be something to do with intonation… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And am I the only guy who’s never met a woman who can give a decent blow-job? Grinding it between her teeth like she’s skipped breakfast and lunch and hit the all you can eat buffet hard…Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Then apparently I killed the mood when she said ‘fuck me up the arse’ coz I declined and warned her of the dangers of rectal cancer from having me white wash her kidneys while crashing the tradesman’s entrance and thumping her up the back passage… Tap ash into the ashtray… I mean don’t get me wrong, each to their own, but I’ve seen what comes out of my own arse and if she thinks I would want to put my dick into that, she’s sorely mistaken… I’m the one who should be offended yet she’s the one in tears… AGAIN!!! I really don’t get it… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Like most men, I like strong, independent women but where do you make the distinction between a strong, independent woman and a selfish, stroppy strumpet with a bad attitude and extreme rage issues? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Where do you draw the line? Is it when you sign that dotted line of contractual prostitution that we call marriage? Tap ash into the ashtray… Or when you hold that gun in your mouth, praying to God that today is the day that you’ll have the balls to actually pull the trigger and go through with it? Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And am I the only guy in the free world who washes his hands after visiting the toilet??? I remember this guy rolling his eyes at me before promptly mauling all the buffet food at dinner party, it sickened me… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… So I promptly walked up to him and asked if he likes the smell of bollocks on his hands as he eats, right before I stirred his beer with my penis… And although I left in an ambulance, I think it was a point well made… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… And if the pen is mightier than the sword, why is it but a typo away from the penis, mightier than the sword? But then again, I have always considered myself one of the finest pork swordsmen in all of England… Inhale deeply… Exhale slowly… Stub out in ashtray…  Touché away…