A Thesis in Pre-Manstrual Tension… (The Male Perspective)

Pre-Manstrual Tension is that time of the month when the male can do absolutely nothing right, he lives in fear of his life and he’d rather kill himself than await the killing blow that could come at any time. Its that time when reality takes a break for about 5 days and the females in his family unit swap places with their evil, parallel universe counterparts or maybe they pull a Jekyll & Hyde, not too sure of the details. Further analysis is needed into this phenomenom. Now that said, there are signs in the build up to the event…

1. It’s not your imagination; there is a dark cloud developing above your house. Its nature’s warning of the coming storm. Heed it!

2. Those alarm bells you hear ringing in your head. Its not paranoia, it’s a repressed memory of this time last month resurfacing, where your mind has tried to protect you from the horror. This is simply a biological coping mechanism that activates in the male every third week of the month. Complete amnesia of the previous five days allows the said male to live in blissful ignorance/denial of the developing Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. This also accounts for the somewhat shorter lifespan of the male.

3. The females at this time will experience both physical and psychological changes that are quite often misinterpreted by the male. Symptoms include:

a) Seven Dwarves Syndrome. It is called such because of the nature of the developing personalities that include: Grumpy, Horny, Weepy, Angry, Clingy, Evil and Dopey. It is important that the male not be fooled when dealing with Weepy or Clingy because despite the natural response to comfort, they could become Grumpy, Angry or Evil at a moments notice and subject to change without warning. So as a safety precaution, the male should always throw a chocolate chip muffin like a grenade at the female’s feet and retreat quickly.

b) Long-Term Memory Retrieval. Whereby the female will both recall and recant everything the male has ever said or done wrong. At this time it is imperative for his own safety that the male remember that whether he is right or wrong, he is WRONG!!!

c) Depositing Venom. The female while experiencing varying degrees of rage will spit poison at the male that may escalate to fire should the male speak at any time during this process. It is believed that the poison sacs develop in the female’s ankles as there is often noticeable swelling at this time.

d) Rapid Cleaning. The female will dust and clean at approximately ten times her normal rate of speed as she chants disparaging remarks and comments about the male. If at any time the male should ask if she is okay, he will receive a very cold ‘FINE’. It is at this time that he should retreat quickly (see appendix a)

4. The male is likely to find all manner of strange paraphernalia in the bathroom that will both baffle and confuse him. Words like wings, strings, promises of comfort and freshness while playing tennis, swimming or cycling only deepen the mystery of their relevance to events. What has been established is that these items are not for use with general sports equipment and although they offer limited absorbency in swimming, they are neither comfortable nor fresh when wrapped around a tennis racket or bicycle handle bars. Further study is needed…

5. The male will experience varying degrees of dread that increase in intensity at this time. This is simply mortal fear and although it may appear unfounded it becomes more justified in his mind as the days pass.

6. As the female becomes increasingly consumed by the event, she becomes a vessel that quite literally accelerates the males age, causing tremendous mental turmoil and stress as she absorbs his life-force with her irritability, rage and accusations that have no basis in truth or logic. Interesting to note that this also contributes to the male’s shortening life-span (see appendix 2)

7. As the event reaches its climax, it also becomes the most critical time for the male. The female fully embraces the event and develops extreme strength and a keen knowledge of weapons expertise and can at will, create a lethal weapon out of any object that is within reach at a moments notice. This is called A-Teamosis, whereby the male will find himself avoiding projectiles of all shapes & sizes in a manner unseen outside of the ‘Matrix Trilogy’.

Should the male survive the event, so will begin his repression of short term memory. Lasting effects of this recurring phenomemon include percieving the ‘reminding’ nature of the female’s voice as white noise and the inability to see sought after objects before his eyes. The female at this time develops an elated euphoria and feeling of well being that the darkness has subsided. Perceptual stimuli includes fluffier clouds, brighter skies and that hunk down the road washing his porche.

In conclusion, more study into the cause of this phenomenon is needed…


6 thoughts on “A Thesis in Pre-Manstrual Tension… (The Male Perspective)

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